Speechless

What a weekend it has been. It's been packed full of ups and downs...a bit of a roller coaster ride for us. First a brief update. We still don't have Lawrence's ashes. I spoke with the mortuary on Friday. The doctor finally signed off on his death certificate sometime Friday and we should have his ashes by sometime Tuesday. It is unfortunate that this has dragged out so long. It makes it a bit more difficult for us. But, we are hanging in and doing the best we can. I'm still working my way through some books. (Thank you Heather and Shannah...you gals rock!)

So, about that roller coaster I (we) have been riding this weekend...

I went out to my first larger community event since we lost Lawrence. A gentleman we know was leaving part way through and as he walked by, I waved. He returned my wave, said hello and goodbye. All of a sudden, I caught him coming back to me. He offered his condolences, a handshake and a hug. All I could get out was, "thank you."
Speechless because of kindness.

At that same event, another business acquaintance of ours asked how I was feeling. I said, "ok." He gave a slight rub of my shoulder as if to offer some reassurance and caring. I appreciated that.
Speechless because of someone else taking a moment to let me know they care.

Just before I was set to leave that event, someone else approached me. As it turned out, this was someone who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know we had lost the baby. He said, "I see you've had your new baby." umm...yeah...I said, "he was stillborn." He said, "I'm so sorry" and offered his condolences. I was near tears, but tried not to let it show.
Speechless because of unintended hurt.

All of these people care and it's nice to know we have so many great people in our lives.

The speechlessness doesn't end there.

Yesterday afternoon we went out to do some shopping for Connor's birthday party. Here is the story of the store clerk who did not know when to shut up...or, shall I say, stop talking. ugh!

We had finished our shopping and we had a LOT of stuff. As the clerk started ringing up our things, she started chatting with us. Connor is a natural conversation starter. Everyone has something to say about his hair. And, "those curls." So, she's talking away and we're interacting with her. Then she asks, "is he your first?" We answer, "yes." Then she starts going on and on..."not ready to have anymore? I'm sure he's a handful..." (by this time, we are looking at each other and our faces drop) "I have a three-year-old and...I can understand why you're not ready...." and on and on from there. I didn't say anything. Darrel didn't say anything. I stopped making eye contact with her. What should I say? We opted to say nothing. We couldn't quite bring ourselves to say anything. And, of course, she just kept talking. and talking and talking...then she asked us about his binky and how much he has it and this, that and the other thing. I said, "well, he just started needing it more again within the past couple of weeks." She said, "oh, is he teething?" I started to say something but before the words actually reached my lips, Darrel said, "yeah." We exchanged another look. We could read each other's pain. What I had started to say was, "His brother died." I said nothing. I have felt like writing a letter to the store, but I don't know what I would say. I just don't know...
And so, I was once again speechless and apparently remain so.

The final episode of speechlessness came today from a considerably more positive experience. Some of the ladies from the June 07 moms board got together to do something for us. One of them made a beautiful box with Lawrence's name on it. We love it. Of course, we wish we didn't have to have such a thing, but we appreciate it. The words "thank you" seem so inadequate. We are blessed to have so many kind and supportive people in our lives.
Speechless because of the sincere thoughtfulness of others.

I have picked up a couple of new journals and will start one this week. We'll see where the journey takes me. It will most certainly be a journey. The journal I am about to start will be complete separate from my usual journal.

And with that, I suppose it is time to bid goodnight.