Even "good" news hurts

Connor had a doctor's appointment today. After we finished the very simple part of the appointment, we were informed that the results of Lawrence's autopsy had been received. Did we want to know? Were we ready?

Well, since I think knowing they were due any day and not knowing the results have had a lot to do with my recent anxiety attacks, I felt ready.

The bad news: The cause of death was determined to be the result of a true-knot in the cord. There was nothing we could do.

True knots are said to occur in 1% of all pregnancies. False knots are believed to be far more common. We were told (and we both understood it this way) that of those 1%, 6% will result in fetal death. That puts us in a very, very small minority. As Darrel summed it up at the doctor's office, "So, it was really bad luck."

The good news: The baby checked out perfectly. He was as he should have been at 25 weeks. I checked out fine. The placenta checked out fine. There was no indication of any placental abruption. There were no genetic anomalies. All was seemingly fine. There was nothing we could do.

This news has brought both feelings of relief and great pain to me. I have more questions that I will likely ask at my appointment tomorrow, but the answers won't help me feel better or hurt me more.

Please keep other moms in your prayers. One mom on the August Expecting board is watching her daughter fight for her life. She was born at 27 weeks. Two other moms are, like me, recovering physically and emotionally from losing their babies at birth. Only one do I know what happened. It was the result of the baby getting tangled up in her cord. Pray for all of the August Bullfrogs and Butterflies. A mom from the June board sent me some books and I think all of them will be helpful. It looks like I will spend the summer reading instead of preparing for a new baby. She also sent a beautiful wood figurine of an angel holding a baby. It has a special place on our shelf in the living room. Darrel picked out the place for it. He, too, is having a difficult time. I hope people remember that dads hurt too.

We thank everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. Down the line we will start pursuing a fundraising event. For now, we are focusing on that which is important. We will keep you posted.

For Mother's Day, I received a single rose hand-delivered to me by my sweet Connor and a pair of sandals (that I got to choose). We went to church with mom and dad, then went to their house for brunch. Dad, Darrel and Connor cooked. It was great. I spent the afternoon working on thank you notes. I have a couple more to write. And then last night we went to dinner with Darrel's mom and his sister and her family. It was really nice. The day ended with a concert put on by Connor just for me (and grandma, too, I think) in our living room. He got out a box that he used for a stage, played his (toy) guitar and sang for us. It was a perfect ending to a lovely day.

Tonight, Darrel, Connor and I stayed in and had dinner just the three of us. We watched a movie, but took a break to play ball around the living room. All three of us had a wonderful time. I am so blessed. That is what I am holding onto during this strange, difficult time. I'm still in a bit of a fog, but I am doing everything I can to hold onto the blessings. They keep me strong.

The story at the beginning of the video below is worth listening to, but if you would prefer to skip to the story, let it load and go about two minutes in and the song will start. This song has gotten me through some tough times before, but it just re-entered my mind today and I pray it helps me through this time as well.



I thank God for our friends and family. I pray they are blessed and watched over each and every day. Thank you all for everything you have done for us, especially the past couple of weeks. Words cannot express our gratitude.