Candle light vigil and more...

We will host a candle light vigil in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on Thursday, October 15 at 7 p.m. My thanks to Perfect Blend in Delhi for helping us host this. It is located at 9761 Stephens Street in Delhi. Please join us. If you can't join us there, please light a candle at 7 p.m. (your time, wherever you are).

I will place a coffee can at Perfect Blend on October 15 to collect donations for First Candle. It will remain there through our fall art show which opens October 24 and runs through November 21.

Time flies

Two months have somehow gotten away from me without so much as a "I'm still around" post. This is going to be the quickest overview I can write. But, I need to write.

Our summer was filled with back and forth trips to Southern California. My grandparents have been a priority for me in recent months and I am starting to work on getting things together for another trip to spend some time with them. Nana has good days and bad. Continued prayers are, of course, appreciated.

Our family suffered a loss at the end of August. My brother's Godfather succumbed to cancer. I don't understand cancer. I don't know if anyone does, so it may sound silly to some for me to say that. But, it's this thought I keep having. It affects people in so many different ways. People beat it and it comes back. Others beat it and it stays gone for good. It's been almost five years since we lost my dear father-in-law to cancer. This week I have heard of two young men who are battling cancer. Young fathers and husbands. Please lift them up in prayer. And their families and all of the families impacted by this awful disease.

We still haven't done anything with Lawrence's ashes. I haven't brought the subject up with Darrel recently. I look at the urn nearly every night. Tonight, my eyes drifted from the urn to a jar also on the shelf. The jar reads, "Hopes and Dreams." hmm...that got me thinking. Some of my hopes and dreams will never come to fruition.

October 15 is Day for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. While I recognize that I am not yet ready for a big Stillbirth Awareness fundraiser, I do want to do something. I am thinking about helping with the altar flowers at church one week in October. But I would also like to to do something to raise even just a few dollars for First Candle. I may tie a simple, silent fundraiser in with the fall art show. I'm still giving it some thought.

My Nana's good days and bad days have mostly to do with her physical well-being. I, of course, have good days and bad days for other reasons. I struggled, but survived the arrival of my due date, which was also my eleventh wedding anniversary on August 8. Darrel helped with that. We went to see GI Joe when it opened August 7 and we saw Huey Lewis and the News play at the Stanislaus County Fair on our anniversary. We spent out anniversary working (taking photos at the fair), but it was time well spent. We enjoyed the time together.

I am now an Avon representative. You can order through me or through my website. Contact me for more information. Adult school got off to a bit of a rocky start. Instead of having three classes, I started the semester with only two classes. Two weeks into the semester, I was down to one class. And, I am now completely laid off as my last class was closed after Thursday night. I am hoping to use my time as constructively as possible. I am going to look for other jobs, invest some time into the business and the after school journalism program at Delhi High School and do what I can to get on track for finishing my credential. I am going to continue corresponding as often as I possibly can with my grandparents. I am going to take my son to the park and storytime at the library near our house. I am going to pray that the spring semester is a little better. And I am going to see where God is leading me. Time may fly, but I'm going to do everything I can to enjoy the ride.

God is at work

I believe God is in control. I agree with the sentiment expressed by Mother Teresa, "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I know God is ALWAYS at work. I know he has a plan. The idea that, "we plan, God laughs" is something I agree with which is partly why Darrel and I avoid using the "p-word" as we have for the past six years. I am not perfect. In fact, I am far from perfect. I am human. I question God. I ask Him why He does the things He does. I wonder, "why me" at times. But in the end...I know...God IS in control.

As some of you may know, I was heading to the Women of Faith conference in San Jose this weekend. As the weekend neared, I was both excited (as I love these conferences and it was a miracle that I was able to attend this year...I would not have gone if I had not won tickets because my mom was not going this year) and nervous (I never know what will trigger a cry and I was afraid something could trigger a major cry and I would not be able to stop). In the week leading up to the event, I was having a difficult time. I later discovered a mathematical error was actually what triggered the emotional difficulty I was having. It had to do with thinking about where I thought I would be in my pregnancy had I not lost LJ at 25 weeks. (Turns out, I had added an extra week.) I even sent an e-mail through the Women of Faith site sharing my thoughts heading into the weekend.

A dear friend of mine was accompanying me to the conference. She, too, is a small business owner who has been experiencing struggles. Financially we are going through some similar things. We often share stories. We share our trials, our triumphs and we talk a LOT about God and how he works in our lives.

Now...I will get to the "meat" of this story. The weekend.

My dad had reserved our hotel room on his credit card. My intent was to write him a check at the end of the month. I had taken a small amount of cash after calculating exactly what I thought I would need for dinner Friday, a book (or two) and lunch on Saturday. We arrived at the hotel to discover that they could not process the hotel room on his card without either him present or something in writing from him. He was not anywhere that he could fax written authorization. I panicked, as I do. The hotel would require a pretty hefty deposit (more than the cost of the room). My friend and I were both extremely limited in what we had in the way of cash. After a meltdown, I was able to think a little more clearly. Brenda said to me, "God will take care of it."

The clock was ticking. We had originally arrived in plenty of time to get checked in, have dinner and arrive at the conference. Now all of a sudden, we probably didn't have time for dinner and we still didn't have a room. The lady at the front desk called another nearby hotel. Maybe they'll take the card, we all thought. No such luck. HOWEVER...the room cost less and there was no hefty deposit required, just the cost of the room. We found the hotel and got checked in using our cash which left us both with significantly less than we had budgeted for the weekend and we still hadn't spent any money on the things for which we had budgeted. Also, we were out of time. We either had to have dinner and skip the evening session or attend the evening session and have a late dinner. We opted for the latter.

We arrived at the HP Pavilion and pulled into a parking lot. Parking cost $15. I knew we would have to pay for parking. I did NOT expect it to cost that much. My heart almost stopped. I thought about telling Brenda to forget it and just go back in the morning, but something...someone...God...didn't allow me to say it. As we parked, she said, "you know, we could just come back tomorrow." I pointed out that we had already paid and that I felt we needed to go to the evening session. We parked and off we went.

It was an AMAZING night. Anita Renfro was funny. She shared some of her usual things and she talked about her one-week-old grandbaby. Her first. Patsy Clairemont made us laugh a little and she shared some heart-warming and heart-breaking stories. And then, the kicker came. Awhile back, I shared Natalie Grant's song "Held" here. I talked about how it has taken on new meaning for me and how much it means to me. (Go ahead and listen to it again.) Natalie Grant was scheduled to sing. During her time at the evening session, she was talking a little bit as she started to introduce "Held." She referenced an e-mail she received after getting off the plane that day from "A woman at this conference who recently gave birth to a stillborn baby."

I gasped. I put my hands over my mouth. I held in a huge urge to sob and just let out a few tears as I fought to catch my breath. Friday night, "Held" wasn't just a song that was taking on new meaning for me. It was ministering to me. Sitting on the floor, right by where the speakers and guests would come and go, I knew I had to thank her. As she exited, I stopped her and I said, "I'm the mom." We hugged and she talked to me briefly. If any one thing had gone differently leading up to the conference, there's no telling whether or not I would have been there or experienced that in the same way.

God IS in control.

The next day, we stopped at a local Save Mart to get some snacks and things for the day. Brenda worked her evangelistic mojo which was uplifting to witness. As we neared the arena, we talked about the craziness of charging $15 for parking. At the same time, we kept our eyes open for other options. And then, it was there...a parking lot that charged only $3 to park ALL day...directly across the street from some of the $15 parking. You all know which we chose.

We headed on our short walk to the arena and Brenda realized she wasn't going to do so well in the shoes she was wearing, so she asked me to wait for her while she went back to change shoes. A few minutes later, she came back saying, "God is so good." I asked, "what happened now?" (I realized something unexpected had happened.) As it turned out, she had left her car window down. Had she not gone back, there's a pretty good chance things would not have been as we left them.

God IS in control.

I was strengthened and encouraged by Sheila Walsh's thoughts that day. I was uplifted and amused by Luci Swindoll's thoughts that day. I was able to pick up a couple of books AND I even got two of them autographed. Sheila Walsh asked if I had received her note (an e-mail sent the day before which I had received) and she offered me prayers and encouragement. It was an amazing day.

I know I am leaving something out. There was so much and at every turn Brenda and I were thanking and praising God.

He truly is in control.

And yet...the weekend did not stop there.

I was not going to go to church this morning. I thought we would stay home and have a lazy morning and maybe go to a local afternoon service. When I heard Connor stirring around 8:30, the first thought in my mind was, "we can go to church." I drifted in and out of sleep as I listened to Connor quietly playing in bed. But the thought, "we can go to church" came in loud and clear during those 15 minutes or so. And so, i got up and started getting Connor ready. As if I wasn't already convinced, the sound of him cheering, "CHURCH!" is enough to make anyone want to go.

We had plenty of time. Then we were cutting things a little close and as we were on our way, I realized that we were going to be late, no doubt. I started questioning whether or not we should continue with the drive, but convinced myself we would go no matter what. I had intended to pay our pledge this morning since we didn't go to church last week and I like to do that at the beginning of the month.

We had a guest today who is involved with Food For the Poor, Inc. and I enjoyed listening to him. I thought about supporting the ministry. I set the information down. I looked again and then put it down. Then, as I was writing my regular check to the church, I realized that it was weighing heavily on my heart to do something. So, I did. With $21...I am helping to feed over 400 kids. They may feel blessed, but I am the one who is blessed by this opportunity. I didn't really take any time to seriously look at the World Vision files at Women of Faith. I knew that monthly support is not something I am ready to offer and mom and I started supporting a World Vision child at last year's event. It wasn't something I felt I was supposed to do. This morning, I felt that tug on my heart. I knew I was supposed to do it and I knew God was in control of the decision.

God is most definitely in control.

I don't know what He is doing or what His plan is, but I know that He has a plan and He is doing something in my life. I saw Him at work all weekend long. It was an awesome journey. I can only hope and pray that my words here do it some kind of justice.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

***

As an aside. My mom and I took Connor down for a visit with my grandparents in mid-June. The last weekend of June, Darrel and I made a quick trip down to photograph our dear friends of B.O.O.K. at their Magic Mountain performance. We have been to Jamestown, Columbia, McConnell and Ft. Tejon. We have visited Ghirardelli and BassPro Shops. We have had a pretty cool summer. It has been tiring, emotional, uplifting, fun and unforgettable. We are getting ready for a slightly longer trip to Southern California to pick up a vehicle. We will visit with family and friends. We hope to get to the beach and the LA Zoo and we are looking forward to some time in Uptown Whittier. This is my kind of summer. the only thing left is the fishing trip that we still NEED to do. Your continued prayers are appreciated.

A poem I read

First of all, I have to share that Connor had a spectacular birthday party. We had just family and a few friends and it was perfect. We tried to go with a fairly simple party...we had bubbles for the kids and whoever wanted to swim could. We also did a pinata. Darrel grilled hamburgers and hot dogs. Connor had a blast! He got some great stuff including bedding for the twin bed in his room (to which he will soon be transitioning), a few toys and some clothes. I can hardly believe he's two. It was great to have his birthday to keep me occupied the past few days. Tonight, though, I started thinking about Lawrence and feeling a little emotional again. I think it's time to go fishing. I need to talk to Darrel to see when we can go. I've been putting a lot of work into Connor's room. He's been having fun helping me. His easel is all set up and he had a great time using his chalkboard today. We also had some fun taking photos together this afternoon. He's such a big boy!

I read a poem that someone posted on an obituary guest book for twin three-year-old boys who died in a car accident last week. It was beautiful and I thought it was worth sharing, so here it is...

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)
©Copyright 1998-2009

A good day, Happy Birthday CD!

Today, the Amazing Connor Duncan turned two. The status on my Facebook page today included something like this, "...woke up today as the mama of a two-year-old." I can hardly believe it has been two years since Connor was born.

It was Memorial Day 2007. The Saturday before, we celebrated my nephew's birthday with him at his party. A couple of people commented to me about how "ready" I looked. More people guessed whether the baby was a boy or a girl. (All guessed boy.) That evening, I covered a graduation ceremony. It was a bit tiring, but it is my favorite graduation to cover and I enjoyed doing it. On Sunday morning, I went to church. Someone commented that she didn't think I would make it to my due date. I assured her I would... or as close to it as I possibly could. We spent the afternoon and evening with my parents. Darrel and I took my mom to KMart for a few things. I remember picking out a tomato plant or something among a couple of other things in the gardening section. Mom and I had walked every Sunday that we possibly could while I was pregnant. We counted KMart as our walk that Sunday. A week earlier, the doctor told me he didn't think I would make it to my due date. I told him I would, I had to because school let out June 15 and I needed to make it to the end of school. He explained, "you don't understand...you have a big baby, I don't think you WANT to go all the way to your due date." I conceded that the baby could come a little early, but I still wanted to make it to the end of school. I joked with co-workers about having the baby trained to change his (or her) own diapers right away.

That Memorial Day was certainly one to remember. I woke up around 6:30 a.m. and thought that perhaps something was going on, but I wasn't sure what. I posed a messaged on the moms board where we were going through our pregnancies together and then decided to go back to bed. Sometime around 8 a.m. I woke up again and had a pretty good idea that perhaps my water had broken. I didn't check the message board. I woke up Darrel and suggested we go to the hospital. Off we went. By 8:30, I was in L&D and they confirmed that my water had broken. Contractions were starting, but they were pretty irregular. Darrel made some phone calls. His mom and sister came down. My parents came a bit later. It was so nice to be surrounded by so much love. We chatted and enjoyed the time together. Contractions got closer together and a bit more painful, but I made it through unmedicated. I wanted an unmedicated birth and was happy to be going along so well. Connor was "sunnyside-up" as they say. We tried everything we could to get him to roll over. After two hours of pushing, I spiked a fever and his heartrate went way up. They told me I needed a C-section. I didn't want one. For a moment, I was devastated by the thought. Then I remembered what my doctor had said to me two weeks before...I know you don't want a C-section, but if you need to have one for the health of the baby, I know you will do it. And there we were. It was necessary. They wheeled me in and prepped me. I begged them to do something to make the contractions stop. I kept asking for Darrel. Finally he came into the room. I was relieved. Joy filled Darrel's face as he saw our new baby. "It's a boy," he exclaimed. Connor Duncan remained without a name for the next two hours or so. He was born with my fever and they took him to the NICU to stabilize him. Darrel came in and talked to me. We discussed his name and agreed that he looked like a Connor. Though, I still hadn't held my little guy. They finally brought him in to me. My heart was overjoyed. I was officially a mama.

Flash-forward two years...we have been through so much in the past two years. I look at his newborn photo that my dad took of him in the NICU, the photo from when he turned one and the photo we just had taken of him for his two-year photo and my baby, my precious little baby (who wasn't all that little weighing in at close to nine pounds over three weeks before his due date) is a little boy now, BUT...he still looks the same. I can see him in ever single picture we have ever taken of him.

Today was a good day. I got up before everyone else and did a couple of things in the yard. I needed to do them and I needed some of the quiet serenity to get a few things out of my system. At one point, I cried. It is so hard to still be in the relatively early stages of grieving for Lawrence while preparing to celebrate with Connor. I prayed a little, too. And, I looked forward to wishing Connor a happy birthday. Darrel came out and checked on me a short time later. The rest of the house was up and moving. We headed to Delhi where we picked up beverages from our favorite coffee house on our way to Darrel's mom's house. Connor got a special smoothie (strawberry-banana, for the first time) as a birthday gift from the owner. We helped my mother-in-law with a few things and despite my being a little stressed about the time, we managed to complete our intended afternoon. We picked up the newspapers and then headed to the Ghiradelli Ic Cream Shop nearby where Connor got to pick out a special birthday gift and we enjoyed ice cream together. Connor napped on the way back home. We picked up some dinner and enjoyed a quiet night at home. Connor got to pop open his gift that he'd chosen and share a piece of chocolate for his final birthday treat. He'd chosen a metal lunchbox that has images of all of the state flags on it filled with a variety of the yummy chocolate squares. He had some milk and was down for the night before 10 p.m. Since most days he goes to bed around 9:30, he hadn't stayed up too much later on this special day. He seemed to have a great time. He finished off his day with a phone call to his nana and some snuggle time first with mama then with daddy.

He had his daycare birthday celebration yesterday and he has his birthday part on Saturday. Oh boy! This kid has it good. And so do we. We are so blessed to have the Amazing Connor Duncan in our lives. Happy birthday to my sweet boy!

I'll update after his party Saturday.

As an aside...on Tuesday, we received a call that the necklace I had ordered came in and so I went an picked it up from the mortuary. It is beautiful. It has Lawrence's footprint on the front and his name and angel day on the back. I put it on as soon as I got in the car and I haven't removed it.

Bringing home LJ

I'm in the middle of writing my column for this month's issue. Of course, I have been since sometime Thursday. I've managed to procrastinate far too much. Most of my computer time today has been spent checking out message boards, blogs and doing mindless quizzes on Facebook. All of this is a bit funny, of course, because I left off writing about the social networking sites in my column. I'll get back to it here in a few minutes, I think, but I needed to blog first.

We had a list of errands to run yesterday afternoon. We just had a couple of things we wanted to get done. So, we did. But, we had one very important errand added to our list. I spoke with the mortuary Friday morning and the death certificate was ready for us and cremation complete. It was time for us to go back.

Now, before I go on about that, I need to note something. Lawrence Joseph is already home. He went home to be with God nearly a month ago. This is something I believe, something I know. But, this was the earthly version of him coming home. Instead of bringing home a new baby to feed, diaper, love and care for, we were tasked with bringing home his remains. I thought I was ready for this. It had dragged out long enough. I was ready for this to be done...and so I thought. A week earlier, I had a telephone conversation with the mortuary during which they told me the cremation would likely be done Monday (or Tuesday, at the latest). Monday night, I shared with Darrel the thought I had when the woman told me that. "Can't I hold him one more time?" I didn't say it out loud. Truly, I don't think I wanted to. In fact, I know that since three weeks had passed, I did not want to see him again. But, for a moment, I thought about it.

When we arrived at the mortuary, it took all that I had in me to get out of the truck. I grabbed Darrel's hand as we walked up to the door. We entered. We sat down to wait. I thought I was ok. A woman brought out some papers that needed to be signed. Darrel took care of that. She handed us a copy of the death certificate in an envelope. Darrel was (I think) trying to close the clasp, but I took it from him, opened it, reviewed the death certificate, my heart sank just a little and then I returned it to the envelope and closed the clasp. The woman had two papers that Darrel signed and put them into a regular letter envelope. She also held a small plastic bag with handles. And she said, "I'll take you to where he is." (or something like that)

We walked down the hall and she entered a room. We followed. I was not prepared for what was waiting for us. LJ's urn sat on a strategically lit table, raised up a bit. I stopped dead in my tracks. "This is it....this is how my baby comes home...this is the end of the road...this is not my life..." all sorts of thoughts flooded through my mind. I started to cry and sucked it up all at once, Darrel squeezed my hand. At the same moment, I was overwhelmed by the beauty. The picture we had seen of this urn was beautiful, but it did not do justice to it at all. It's shiny (silver) and it had appeared with more of a stone look to it. It caught the light and almost glowed (for lack of a better word). It was breathtaking. I think that's partly what made this more difficult and yet more comforting all at once.

The woman asked if we'd like some time alone in the room. (Another flood of thoughts raced through my mind as I glanced at Darrel during her brief pause.) "Whatever you want to do," she said.

My thoughts at that moment: Whatever I want? I don't want this. I don't want any of this. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this situation. I don't want to take my baby home this way.

The words I actually spoke: "I don't want...(pause)...anything..." Nothing more made it's way out of my mouth. She walked up to put the urn into the bag she was holding. She handed it to us.

As we left, I dealt with new thoughts: This is it? This is how we take him home? I'm carrying him to the truck like a souvenir...in a bag. But he was my son. He's my baby. He's not some souvenir. Why a bag? What is happening here?

When we got home, I couldn't bring myself to just set the bag down someplace. I had to put the urn someplace nice. (Normally, I would have dropped the things from my hands and gone straight to the bathroom after errand running.) I placed it next to the family portrait we had done last year. The image on the urn is called "Going home."

Lawrence Joseph is now home in two places. He is home with God and he is home with us. He is finally home.

You got that right

This song is one I can relate to and I have loved it since I first heard it. Of course, I'm a little older than 20, but I think it still fits. Thank you, Francesca Battistelli for writing and singing this song. And now, I share it...First the lyrics, then you can have a listen...

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Speechless

What a weekend it has been. It's been packed full of ups and downs...a bit of a roller coaster ride for us. First a brief update. We still don't have Lawrence's ashes. I spoke with the mortuary on Friday. The doctor finally signed off on his death certificate sometime Friday and we should have his ashes by sometime Tuesday. It is unfortunate that this has dragged out so long. It makes it a bit more difficult for us. But, we are hanging in and doing the best we can. I'm still working my way through some books. (Thank you Heather and Shannah...you gals rock!)

So, about that roller coaster I (we) have been riding this weekend...

I went out to my first larger community event since we lost Lawrence. A gentleman we know was leaving part way through and as he walked by, I waved. He returned my wave, said hello and goodbye. All of a sudden, I caught him coming back to me. He offered his condolences, a handshake and a hug. All I could get out was, "thank you."
Speechless because of kindness.

At that same event, another business acquaintance of ours asked how I was feeling. I said, "ok." He gave a slight rub of my shoulder as if to offer some reassurance and caring. I appreciated that.
Speechless because of someone else taking a moment to let me know they care.

Just before I was set to leave that event, someone else approached me. As it turned out, this was someone who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know we had lost the baby. He said, "I see you've had your new baby." umm...yeah...I said, "he was stillborn." He said, "I'm so sorry" and offered his condolences. I was near tears, but tried not to let it show.
Speechless because of unintended hurt.

All of these people care and it's nice to know we have so many great people in our lives.

The speechlessness doesn't end there.

Yesterday afternoon we went out to do some shopping for Connor's birthday party. Here is the story of the store clerk who did not know when to shut up...or, shall I say, stop talking. ugh!

We had finished our shopping and we had a LOT of stuff. As the clerk started ringing up our things, she started chatting with us. Connor is a natural conversation starter. Everyone has something to say about his hair. And, "those curls." So, she's talking away and we're interacting with her. Then she asks, "is he your first?" We answer, "yes." Then she starts going on and on..."not ready to have anymore? I'm sure he's a handful..." (by this time, we are looking at each other and our faces drop) "I have a three-year-old and...I can understand why you're not ready...." and on and on from there. I didn't say anything. Darrel didn't say anything. I stopped making eye contact with her. What should I say? We opted to say nothing. We couldn't quite bring ourselves to say anything. And, of course, she just kept talking. and talking and talking...then she asked us about his binky and how much he has it and this, that and the other thing. I said, "well, he just started needing it more again within the past couple of weeks." She said, "oh, is he teething?" I started to say something but before the words actually reached my lips, Darrel said, "yeah." We exchanged another look. We could read each other's pain. What I had started to say was, "His brother died." I said nothing. I have felt like writing a letter to the store, but I don't know what I would say. I just don't know...
And so, I was once again speechless and apparently remain so.

The final episode of speechlessness came today from a considerably more positive experience. Some of the ladies from the June 07 moms board got together to do something for us. One of them made a beautiful box with Lawrence's name on it. We love it. Of course, we wish we didn't have to have such a thing, but we appreciate it. The words "thank you" seem so inadequate. We are blessed to have so many kind and supportive people in our lives.
Speechless because of the sincere thoughtfulness of others.

I have picked up a couple of new journals and will start one this week. We'll see where the journey takes me. It will most certainly be a journey. The journal I am about to start will be complete separate from my usual journal.

And with that, I suppose it is time to bid goodnight.

More music

These two songs are ones I've known, but they have especially struck me when they've come on the radio the past couple of days. Before I post them, I have one addition to the post I made below. Last night, I finally decided that I was ready to open the envelope with the pictures of Lawrence. I sobbed. I smiled. I was comforted. I was pained. I survived. I am glad that I looked at them. I had previously felt this want to see them, but inability to look at them. I said to Darrel, "I really want to see them, but I really don't want to look at them." He understood. He was beautiful. He was tiny. He looked like Connor. He was like a smaller version of our newborn Connor. Also, we received and have read "We were gonna have a baby, but had an angel instead." Connor read it with my mom this afternoon and my dad this evening, too. My sweet boy has started saying the word cries. Pray for the three of us. This is definitely affecting Connor in ways I don't think any of us will ever know or understand. But, like us, he will be ok. More than once in the last week, I have had to snuggle, rock and sing him to sleep. I am going to make the most of that time when he wants it. onto the music...

Thank you Chris Tomlin for recording this...


Thank you Tenth Avenue North for the reminder that God is by my side and holding me.

Notes about the service

I didn't include much in the way of specifics about the service we did for Lawrence on May 5, so I thought I would go ahead and do that now. First, an update. As you know, we received the autopsy results this week. We followed up with the mortuary yesterday and they were still waiting for the doctor to sign off on his death certificate. Apparently they had some difficulty in getting that taken care of, but it seems to be falling into place now. The doctor was supposed to sign off today and we should be able to pick up LJ's remains tomorrow. This, of course, has led to me occasionally wishing I could hold him one more time or do something. This is bringing more of a sense of finality to all of this and it hurts some. It is also a relief that his earthly being will finally be at rest. Every step that allows us some bit of forward movement is good, even when it is difficult. Tomorrow night, Darrel is taking me to a movie at the State Theater and I'm looking forward to that. Connor will get a night with his Auntie, Uncle and cousins. I'm sure he'll enjoy it. It will be quiet, though. Today was my last ESL class for the spring term. I'm going to use the summer to revamp my lessons and likely work on writing my own citizenship book (we'll see how that goes). I also have a lot of reading to do and, of course, the business needs some of my attention. Our journalism program will also go through the summer and we are looking forward to that.

Two weeks from today (I haven't been to bed yet, so it is still Thursday), Connor D will turn two! I can hardly believe it. We need to finalize a couple of things and get invitations sent for his part. Time has slipped away from me in the midst of the emotional and physical blur of the last (almost) three weeks. Has it really been that long already? How is that possible?

ok, so for the promised notes about the service. My dad did the Old Testament Reading. My sister-in-law did the New Testament reading. Our dear friend (who is Connor's Godfather and likely would have been Lawrence's Godfather) read one of the Psalms. We had three clergy present -- Father Glenn, Deacon George and Reverend Kathie. Having such an amazing and prayerful clergy team made for a beautiful service. Our friend Fil read a couple of things on our behalf. Darrel had written something detailing his experiences from that dreadful night and his feelings that followed. I wrote a poem. I also put together a prayer using pieces of what we'd written and other prayers from the Book of Common Prayer (1979). The service included a full Eucharist. Our friends put together a lovely reception that followed the service. And as people left, we offered them each a balloon to release. Some wrote on them. Some did not. I am blessed to have watched a handful of the releases. We allowed everyone to do it in their own time and own way and I think that was a good way to go. Everyone also left with a blue and pink ribbon in recognition of stillbirth awareness. The day before, Darrel, our cousin and I worked diligently on preparations for the service...the most time and effort went into carefully putting together the ribbons. It was time well spent and we've found that even people who weren't at the service want ribbons. We still have a few left (although most of them do not have the pins attached) if anyone would like one.

We are being remembered in thoughts and prayers around the world. Among those, we are being remembered during prayer at the daily masses at St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City. Lawrence Joseph also has a page in a book at the Church of the Holy Innocents in New York City. We are most thankful for all of our friends and family who are remembering us in their thoughts and prayers...and for all of the support we have received. I'm even thankful for the well-meaning people who don't know quite what to say and those who despite not knowing quite what to say, open their mouths and say things that aren't particularly comforting. (At least once I heard, "well, you look good" at a time when I really didn't care...it was less than a week after we lost our angel and how I looked was the farthest thing from my cares and worries. But we've heard all sorts of odd things since then, too.)

To close tonight, I will include the poem I wrote and the prayer I put together. We are hoping that there is some way we can help get some form of official stillbirth acknowledgment to be put in place in the Episcopal Church. And, we are hoping that if there is anything we can do to make this possible, we will have the opportunity to do so.

From a mama of an angel

We never got to know you
or see your sparkling eyes
We never saw you crawl or run;
God took you, by surprise.

How we long to hold you,
watch you grow and play.
We wish that you were with us;
You are in God's loving arms
as we are left to pray.

You are with your Papa now,
as choirs of angels sing.
We love you and we miss you
And pray for comfort that
only God can bring.

We pray you'll be there waiting
with Jesus by your side
He loves the little children and
He is our only guide.

*******************************

Prayer for Lawrence Joseph
(including excerpts from BCP prayers)

O God, our times are in your hand. We know that in Jesus Christ there are no goodbyes. We humbly beseech thee graciously to behold and bless those whom we love, now absent from us, especially Lawrence Joseph. Grant that we may be bound together by thy love in the Communion of the Holy Spirit, and in the fellowship of thy saints. We entrust all who are dear to us to thy never-failing care and love, for this life and the life to come. Look with pity upon the sorrows of thy servants, especially Darrel, Rebekah, and their family. Remember them in mercy, and bring them peace. Helps their seeds of faith and hope to grow. Hold Lawrence Joseph in your loving arms. And, be with us all, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Even "good" news hurts

Connor had a doctor's appointment today. After we finished the very simple part of the appointment, we were informed that the results of Lawrence's autopsy had been received. Did we want to know? Were we ready?

Well, since I think knowing they were due any day and not knowing the results have had a lot to do with my recent anxiety attacks, I felt ready.

The bad news: The cause of death was determined to be the result of a true-knot in the cord. There was nothing we could do.

True knots are said to occur in 1% of all pregnancies. False knots are believed to be far more common. We were told (and we both understood it this way) that of those 1%, 6% will result in fetal death. That puts us in a very, very small minority. As Darrel summed it up at the doctor's office, "So, it was really bad luck."

The good news: The baby checked out perfectly. He was as he should have been at 25 weeks. I checked out fine. The placenta checked out fine. There was no indication of any placental abruption. There were no genetic anomalies. All was seemingly fine. There was nothing we could do.

This news has brought both feelings of relief and great pain to me. I have more questions that I will likely ask at my appointment tomorrow, but the answers won't help me feel better or hurt me more.

Please keep other moms in your prayers. One mom on the August Expecting board is watching her daughter fight for her life. She was born at 27 weeks. Two other moms are, like me, recovering physically and emotionally from losing their babies at birth. Only one do I know what happened. It was the result of the baby getting tangled up in her cord. Pray for all of the August Bullfrogs and Butterflies. A mom from the June board sent me some books and I think all of them will be helpful. It looks like I will spend the summer reading instead of preparing for a new baby. She also sent a beautiful wood figurine of an angel holding a baby. It has a special place on our shelf in the living room. Darrel picked out the place for it. He, too, is having a difficult time. I hope people remember that dads hurt too.

We thank everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. Down the line we will start pursuing a fundraising event. For now, we are focusing on that which is important. We will keep you posted.

For Mother's Day, I received a single rose hand-delivered to me by my sweet Connor and a pair of sandals (that I got to choose). We went to church with mom and dad, then went to their house for brunch. Dad, Darrel and Connor cooked. It was great. I spent the afternoon working on thank you notes. I have a couple more to write. And then last night we went to dinner with Darrel's mom and his sister and her family. It was really nice. The day ended with a concert put on by Connor just for me (and grandma, too, I think) in our living room. He got out a box that he used for a stage, played his (toy) guitar and sang for us. It was a perfect ending to a lovely day.

Tonight, Darrel, Connor and I stayed in and had dinner just the three of us. We watched a movie, but took a break to play ball around the living room. All three of us had a wonderful time. I am so blessed. That is what I am holding onto during this strange, difficult time. I'm still in a bit of a fog, but I am doing everything I can to hold onto the blessings. They keep me strong.

The story at the beginning of the video below is worth listening to, but if you would prefer to skip to the story, let it load and go about two minutes in and the song will start. This song has gotten me through some tough times before, but it just re-entered my mind today and I pray it helps me through this time as well.



I thank God for our friends and family. I pray they are blessed and watched over each and every day. Thank you all for everything you have done for us, especially the past couple of weeks. Words cannot express our gratitude.

MercyMe hits home

I'm admittedly having a difficult time today. We made the ribbons, copied and folded the bulletins, shared some things that we wrote...

Something Darrel wrote made me think of a MercyMe song called "Homesick." This is one of my favorite bands right now and even though they have come to the Valley more than once, I have never had the opportunity to see them in concert (much to my disappointment). This song touched me before, but it holds even more meaning to me now. And so...I express myself in my blog through yet another song.



Tomorrow at 9:30 a.m. PDT is the service for Lawrence Joseph. Following the service, we will do a balloon release. Wherever you are in the world, please feel free to participate.

A huge thank you for all of the love and support and prayers we have received. Thank you, thank you.

Wrap me in your arms...

This song has been in my head off and on for the past couple of days. I am finding some comfort in it, but it is also at times yanking some of the emotions from me. I had a good cry when it was performed last night by BOOK (two-thirds of the band you'll hear performing it below). If I had asked them to play one song at the service on Tuesday, it would have been this one. But hearing it last night was probably even better. I needed it.

A thank you to our friends Fil and Tim for playing at the art show closing last night. And thank you for being our friends. Thank you to everyone for your hugs, prayers and support during this very difficult time. We love you all.

Wrap...

Service set

We set up a service for our little man Lawrence (Larry). It will be Tuesday at 9:30 a.m. at Christ the King Episcopal Church. We selected some beautiful music and the readings are perfect. Just a few more details to iron out, I think, and we'll be set.

Now, I just wish I could wrap my mind around why in the world I have to do this. My heart is broken. It hurts. Today has been a difficult day and yet, therapeutic. I played cars with Connor this evening and it was very comforting. Especially so when he climbed into my lap to get some snuggle time while we continued to play. It's good to feel some joy in the midst of the sorrow and heart break.

The song below is something I can somewhat relate to, but it also helps me appreciate what I have just a little bit more. Connor is my saving grace right now. We are blessed. I dedicate to the women who are struggling as we are or differently. Whatever your struggle on your road to mommy-hood...hang in there. You're not alone. Neither am I. God is in control.

A song

If you want to listen...here's a song.

The hardest post of my life

I've been through some pretty traumatic things in my life, but I don't think anything comes close to the experience I had this weekend. Our family is hurting, that is for sure.

Saturday afternoon I went in to Labor and Delivery because I had what I thought was a urinary tract infection, but was concerned could be contractions. They monitored the baby and me. He was checking out fine. I wasn't having contractions. I tested positive for a UTI. So, we were sent on our way with a prescription.

Last night, I was having similar pains (same location, but a little more painful than earlier in the day). I was having trouble getting to sleep. I was miserable. Before I knew it, I felt like I was possibly in labor, so I talked with Darrel. We went back to the hospital. Within minutes of getting checked in and into a gown in the L&D department I delivered our second son. He had no heartbeat and no attempt to breathe. There was nothing that could be done.

We named him Lawrence "Larry" Joseph. His first name is for our dads. Joseph is also a family name. None of these names were being considered, but they are two of the three that we both had come to mind after he was born.

We've been asked what people can do. This is our request: please keep us in your prayers and please hug your families, especially your children. I will post more when I can.

Welcoming "Fr. T" and other excitement

I'm really excited about a couple of upcoming events with the Episcopal Church in the Diocese of San Joaquin. one is a ministry fair at the parish we attend in Riverbank -- Christ the King. I'm hoping Darrel, Connor and I will be able to make it at least for a little while.

Father Terry Martin is "currently exploring creative and innovative strategies for evangelism" and is holding a series of Community Fora in the Diocese of San Joaquin. The forum in Turlock is scheduled for May 3 and I'm looking forward to it. I think my parents are going to come down our way (I know, it's not very far, but I still like it when they come our way) for the event too. Should be interesting. If you're interested in this, you can check out some of the details here:
http://fathertlistenstotheworld.blogspot.com/2009/04/community-forums-in-episcopal-diocese.html

We have the Delhi Spring Art Show closing reception on May 2 beginning at 7 p.m. We'll have some music indoors first, then a reading from a local author and then a long set by B.O.O.K. and I am, of course, looking forward to that as well. It should be a fun weekend and I hope we bring out some more people to the art show.

It's WAY too hot today. It's still in the mid-90s and it's 7 p.m. Ick! Isn't this April?! This is only supposed to last a couple of days, but a couple of days is still too much...it's APRIL!

I'm back at work albeit on light duty. Things are going pretty well so far and I pray they continue.

Connor's laugh is an awesome sound. His smile is a great sight. Life is good. And, I am thankful.

The Lord is risen indeed! Alleluia! Alleluia!

I hope everyone has a happy and blessed Easter Sunday.

We are spending the afternoon with family, of course. We'll be headed out to my sister-in-law's before too long and my parents are coming out there as well. I'm looking forward to it. There will, of course, be a great Easter Egg hunt for the kids and I know Connor will enjoy that. I think his cousin Kevin is going to take him around to hunt eggs like he did last year.

We spent yesterday afternoon at an Easter event in Delhi. Darrel and I were promoting the upcoming art show and his art. Connor was having fun doing kid stuff...playing on the playground and doing an Easter egg hunt. He was a bit unsure about the bounce house he tried even being with all little guys.

Anyway....hope someone enjoys the music I'm including below. It's the best I could find. The only thing that bothered me about it was the clapping at the end. I do not understand clapping in church. But, this is one of my favorite Easter Hymns...

Perinatologist visit update

My appointment today consisted of a very in-depth ultrasound and short meeting with the doctor. The baby is still measuring about two days ahead. He looked really good. He was not entirely co-operative so I will have to go back in a few weeks so they can take another look. He is still a boy. =)

The placenta is high and back which is not exactly where it is supposed to be, but it's not a major concern as it would be if it were placenta previa. They do think that something going on with the placenta has been the cause of the bleeding I have experienced. They also think that I can expect a little more bleeding. The "heterogeneous tissue" that was observed before is likely old blood. They saw something similar in this ultrasound. Likely at some point there was some separation of the placenta and perhaps it has not completely healed. I still need to take things very easy. I am cleared to go back to work with orders to take things easy and I will need to make sure that I sit as much as I can. So, I will return to work next week, but I am not cleared to go back to the way I tend to live life which is very busy. I need to keep taking things slow and easy. I still need to ask for help and I still need to not do any heavy lifting. This means I should still not pick up and carry my 30-pound toddler around, but we figure I can go back to helping at bathtime and such. I need to remember (and Darrel will help me to do so) that I can't jump back in with both feet.

I have an appointment scheduled with my regular doctor next week and I will keep that appointment so I can go over today's appointment with him. One of the recommendations they made is that I be tested for gestational diabetes early. They think it is possible that I have developed it. I was borderline when I was pregnant with Connor, so this isn't entirely surprising. We'll see how the one-hour test goes, but I know I should be prepared to have to do the three-hour test.

I go back to the perinatologist's office on May 6. They will take some more pictures of baby boy #2 and meet with me again. If Darrel and I have any concerns at all, we should go to the L&D department and be checked out. Starting in about seven to ten days, if need be, there are things they can do for the baby (as in, if he needs to come early). We are, of course, still hoping and praying that he will stay where he is as long as he possibly can.

So, I'm still taking things easy. I will stay down however much I can. But, I do get to return to work. We'll see where we go from here.

Darrel is going to display some of his art at a community Easter event on Saturday. I'm hoping one of our nephew's will be able to go and help take Connor around to the kids' activities. I will primarily be moral support. =) We have a quiet dinner that we're hoping to have with friends and then we'll go to church Saturday night. Then we can stay home until the middle to later part of the afternoon on Sunday. I can sit and relax at my sister-in-law's house while Connor has a good time enjoying Easter activities. I'm looking forward to getting out a little this weekend, but we are building in ways for me to take things easy and stay down.

So, there are some updates for everyone. If you have any questions or think I left out something, let me know.

Quick updates...

My niece turned one today. Darrel and I weren't there to help celebrate, but Connor went with my mom and dad. They all three had a good time, but it seems Connor especially had a wonderful time! He played Pin the Tail on the Donkey and helped knock a pinata around. He was home in time to have dinner with us and it was nice to have a somewhat quiet evening at home. We had originally thought we would be having dinner with friends, but that didn't turn out to be the case. Anyway...

The exciting new for the evening is that Connor asked to use the potty right before bed and he actually peed on the potty. It was a celebratory moment. We all enjoyed it! Then he went to bed and we settled in for the night. It was a big boy day for our "little" guy. =)

I'm still working my way through Sheila Walsh's "get off your knees and Pray." It's a great book that I may have to read a second time because I want to put some parts of it together for a small group study. We'll see. For now, I am enjoying reading it and relating to it. Since this past week I have been reading it, I've had a Casting Crowns song stuck in my head, so I'm going to share it with you now....


We are also headed into Holy Week. For an interesting twist, I thought I'd kick things off with a Johnny Cash version of Hymn #172 (in the 1982 Hymnal):


And, of course, since tomorrow is Palm Sunday, I should include Hymn #154/155...All Glory Laud and Honor...

Here's to a prayerful week ahead...

Lots of love on the homefront

I'm still at home. I have a week to go until I meet the perinatologist. The note I originally received for my leave from work said I was to be off work through April 3. So, I thought I might be able to teach for an hour or so on Monday, April 6. When I called to make sure it would be ok with my doctor, it was confirmed that I need to be off at least until I meet with the specialist and they were going to put another note together for me for work. So, no work for me on Monday afterall, which, of course, makes me a little sad. But I knew it was a possibility and I am trying to take things in stride.

We have had some great homecooked meals. Darrel's doing an awesome job of taking care of things that need our attention. My mother-in-law is still helping us out and staying with us most nights. And then, there's Connor. He's still having a difficult time about me not picking him up, but he has done some super sweet things. Before he left for daycare today, he came up to me, lifted my shirt a little and said "bye" to his baby brother through my tummy. This included hugs, kisses and snuggles. It was so sweet and the love I felt from my sweet boy was awesome.

I've started part two of the Sheila Walsh book I began reading last week. The first chapter in part two is Chapter five and looks at why God says no. I think I'll have to take this chapter a little at a time. So far, I have laughed and cried and I only just started.

So, we're hanging in as best we can. We're going to try to get a few things done around the house tomorrow. (For me this means sorting important papers from the couch or a chair and then putting the finishing touches on our tax stuff so we can get it to our tax guy by Friday.)

I just have to keep taking things one day at a time.

So, is anybody out there? Or am I still typing just for myself?

Updates from the couch

So, since I'll be home tomorrow and have some time to work on finishing up my writing and editing for the upcoming edition of The Delhi Express, I thought I'd take a few minutes before retiring for the evening and post another quick update.

I'm off from work through next Friday (April 3). So, I have a "new normal" at least temporarily. I'll just keep taking things a day at a time. I have my good moments and my frustrated moments, but I am trying to make the most of the situation. I still have a few people who I need to call so I can let them know what's been going on. But most of my friends and family are aware that I am home and under orders to take things easy. I feel like some of my medical folks think I'm crazy for asking as many questions as I do. But, I want to be sure that I fully understand what I can and cannot do. And, it would seem I don't get the most consistent responses. Ah well...I'm hanging in as best I can.

Darrel and I have been talking about names for our new little guy. We want to have a few in mind so we can choose which fits him best after he's born. We don't want to pick out a "for sure" name until we see him. We did the same thing with Connor. We knew what names we liked and Connor Duncan was our number one choice, but we had to see him first. We were talking again tonight about how when we saw him, he looked like a Connor Duncan and he looks even more like one now. His name totally fits. Our list is a little long and there are some good names we like (none of which we will share), but I'm sure we'll narrow it down some between now and the time the baby arrives.

I got to hold and snuggle with Connor tonight and it was SO nice. I sat in the big comfy chair and gave him some milk before bed. He snuggled in and fell asleep in my arms and it was a great feeling. I miss picking him up whenever I want, but he and I are making do. He's been giving me some great hugs and kisses today. I am most thankful for my loving little boy.

Here's a special update!!!
Delhi Spring Art Show

We have scheduled the Delhi Spring Art Show for April 18 through May 2. There will be opening and closing receptions. We will need musicians for both dates. PLEASE let me know if you are available and would like to play. We also need art. So, attention artist! Yeah, you...we need some of your pieces to display at the art show. Whatever your area of preference, we'd love to feature some of your work. Please get in touch with me ASAP! THANK YOU!!!

mustardseedpub@gmail.com
www.DelhiExpressNews.com

Quick trip to ER/L&D

Well, I had some bleeding yesterday off and on, but by the evening, it was enough to concern me to the point where I talked to Darrel about going to the hospital to be checked out. So, off we went. From the time we arrived at the hospital to the time we were back home was barely 2 1/2 hours. Apparently, once you hit 20 weeks, they take you into Labor and Delivery. It's a little scary having to go there so early in the pregnancy, but once you get past that and realize you're with people who specialize in care of pregnant women and expected babies, then it's a little easier to relax. My mother-in-law and our friend Sherri stayed with Connor. I cannot thank our friends and family enough for all that they have done for us. Not just in the past few days, but especially through all of this chaos.

Anyway...baby checked out ok. His HR was 160 the first time and about an hour later, it was 155. That's right about where it has been all along. And his stability is something I am most thankful for, of course. I was advised to contact my doctor's office first thing this morning, contact the perinatologist's office right away and come back if we felt it necessary. I talked to my doctor's office this morning (directly to my PA) and they were following up with the perinatologist's office today. Hopefully I will have an appointment scheduled ASAP. I would really like to know what's going on, what we can do to stop it, when I can go back to work... I realize that I sound like a control freak and I guess I probably am. But it would be nice to know if I need to set up shop at home for the long-haul or if I can expect to go back to work next week or what. Ah well...in the meantime, I will try to sit back, relax, do some writing for our next issue, continue to get caught up on som paperwork and maybe even read some more in the book I started.

Continued prayers are, of course, appreciated.

Bed rest for Bekah and baby boy #2

If you don't want to nitty gritty details, skip the first paragraph. This is from an e-mail I sent to a couple of my dearest friends. Forgive me, but I don't think I'm up to retyping everything again.

I had a little bit of bleeding Monday night and a little more Tuesday afternoon, but nothing major. Then I bled some during the night Wednesday night and into Thursday morning. So, I called and asked to be seen. Before they called me back, a small clot passed and so I sent my morning class home and drove myself straight to the doctor. They saw me right away. The heartbeat was still beautiful, but to check things out, I was sent for an ultrasound. The baby measured right where he should and looked great. The placenta is in a good location, but they saw some extra tissue at the top of my cervix. This, of course, meant I was going to have to follow up with an OB rather than my GP or PA. Then, late last night, I started passing some of the tissue. I was up every two hours. I kept three samples from three different times and called my PA first thing this morning (on her cell). She asked me to come in right away at 8:30 which would work out to be right on our way to Southern California. My parents picked us up and we headed out. The PA listened to the baby's HB which was still good, but she was very concerned about the samples I brought in and wanted to talk to the OB before she let me leave. They determined together that I was not to travel and sent me home to go to bed. By the time I got home, she'd talked to the perinatologist and bedrest was confirmed which takes me off of work. Right now the baby seems just fine but there is definitely something going on and they want to take extra care in finding out what is happening (and why). I'm not far enough along for them to stop things if I go into labor and I'm barely at 20 weeks, so obviously things would likely not go well.

So, for those who skipped the first paragraph...I had some issues again this week. I had an ultrasound on Thursday and the baby looks good and is measuring right where he should be, but they noticed some extra tissue and that was cause for concern. It seems to be something with me, not the baby, but they want to be sure there is no risk to the baby. I should have an appointment with a perinatologist this upcoming week and we'll go from there. In the meantime, I am on bedrest. And so, I am home. I am off of work at least for a few days and I am doing everything I can to take things as easy as I can. Thank goodness for my laptop.

My mother-in-law is staying with us for a couple of days and is helping with some things around the house. Connor is enjoying it. He's handling my having to take things easy as best as cna be expected and every so often will climb up to sit by me. Last night he laid down with me in my bed for a little while. I am alternating between the bed and the couch so at least the scenery changes periodically. I also went out on to the chaise-lounge for a little while yesterday and soaked up some of the sunshine. The weather is changing this weekend, so it's going to be cooler and rain is on its way. I'm glad I got the sun while I could. We're headed into layout week, so I guess I'll be writing my stories from the bed and/or couch.

I am going to do as I have been told (resting) and I am going to pray a lot. I also started the new book my mom gave me for my birthday "Get Off Your Knees and Pray" by Sheila Walsh. I think I will also look at a couple of the devotional type books she gave to me as well and maybe even put a lesson together to do with the Daughters of the King sometime in the future. I will fine tune my lessons for my classes for the week so the substitutes have everything they need. I'm going to put the finishing touches on our tax stuff and just try to use this "down time" and be as productive as possible at home while resting. I'll just do a little at a time. I will also update after my appointment with the perinatologist, as soon as that occurs.

Until next time...

Anybody out there?

Just curious as to whether or not I actually have any readers here. Do I need to re-think this and go a different direction or if the blog working for updates?

Mixed bag of emotion and a oh what a day!

I have already noticed that I have felt much more emotional with this pregnancy than I did when I was pregnant with Connor. I have had periodic meltdowns among other things. I mean, I have had a couple of times where I have just bawled my eyes out and the triggers were what others might consider to be minor things. As if it's not enough that I'm apparently super emotional now naturally, I had one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride today.

I have thought a lot about this. I have shared this with a few people and, frankly, I don't think I can recount it all again, so I'm going to just share the bottom line information.

My dear, sweet nana suffered a stroke sometime within the past few days. They learned this from an MRI taken today. She is spending night #2 in the hospital and will probably be moved into a nursing home this week. This, of course, has been difficult for me to deal with for a lot of reasons, in a lot of ways. I am hoping to get down to see her and get some time in with family and friends next weekend. Please keep her, and our family, in your prayers.

But, the highs of the day were awesome! My mom and I took Connor to the park because we once again got a nice, sunny afternoon. He had so much fun. We also celebrated my birthday with a delicious dinner -- a Santa Maria barbecue -- prepared by my dad. The dinner was great, the Cold Stone cake we yummy. And, I got some great gifts....a coll vacuum type thing designed specifically for hardwood floors, a maternity top, a maternity dress and a great maternity coat and a couple of other things. Darrel and Connor gave me my gift early...a new phone. I had damaged my cell a couple of months ago and desperately needed to replace it. I really like the one I was able to choose. Darrel's recon helped. =) My mother-in-law also gave me my gift a little early. I got a KitchenAid stand mixer. I am SO excited and can't wait to start using it. Of course, my birthday isn't until Thursday, but I have enjoyed celebrating early. I have an amazing family, I must say. =)

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I'll try to update sooner rather than later.

Did you notice?

I don't know how many people are actually reading or checking back on any sort of regular basis, but if you are reading, then perhaps you noticed that it's been awhile since my last update.

We've been getting the journalism program going and I'd say it's pretty close to being in full swing. We're still waiting on a few things to fall into place so that we can do all of the things we hope to do with the program, but students are getting involved, writing stories, taking photographs and sharing some great ideas. Our February edition of the paper featured some of their stories and we hope to feature even more plus photos in the next edition. Connor has had the chance to go with us a couple of times when we're teaching and the students all seem to like him. He, of course, loves being around people.

Speaking of Connor, he had a wonderful visit with his great grandparents toward the end of February. He spent one day with nana, papa, Great Nana and Great Granddad and then we had another family visit before they left. He even got to play with cousin Emily which was great fun for both of them.

We are rapidly approaching two and the word terrible seems to naturally flow before one can say two. Whew! Some days he is just ON! It's hard to keep up and "no" is becoming a favorite word. We had a really rough start to the morning. I think perhaps he woke up earlier than he wanted/needed which was a factor, but we have not had a morning like today ever before. I hope we have a long time before we have another like it.

On a very positive note: he loves giving hugs and blowing kisses. In one of the happy moments of the morning, he looked at me, said "hi" and blew me LOTS of kisses. It was great. He also enjoys acting out one of his favorite stories as we read it. And he seems to have it very nearly completely memorized. He reads books every day. And we read together each night before bed. Our nighttime reading also includes reading from a couple of books of prayers. He can point to pictures of Jesus and say, "Jesus," and he seems very proud of this fact. He is also saying, "Amen" at the end of prayers now. I love it! No matter what, he brings me such joy.

He's been giving hugs and kisses to the new baby. He also plays peek-a-boo with my tummy which is rather funny. He says hi to the baby in my tummy also. It's so cute and I love sharing these more tender moments with him.

The pregnancy seems to still be going ok. I don't have another appointment until March 17, but I haven't had to make any unscheduled trips to the doctor's office in a month now which is nice. I'd say it's safe to call that improvement. =) I will be sure to update after my next appointment, of course. I think part of the reason there can be such a lapse between posts is that I'm only being seen every four to five weeks right now. I hope the doctor's schedule will actually allow for more frequent visits when the time comes.

I think I'll go ahead and end for now. I may come back later and add something. You never know. I may find that I've forgotten something worth mentioning.

What a weekend!

We set aside the holiday weekend for some projects around the house. We also invited my mother-in-law to spend the weekend with us. It made for a very eventful weekend. Connor loved waking up every morning and seeing his grandma. I hope he'll be ok waking up alone in his room again tomorrow morning. He also had great fun helping us with some of the household projects. We re-organized and did a major cleaning in his room. Darrel worked on the re-organization of the office. We did a major cleaning on the bathroom and started our living room/dining room project. This included getting Connor's toys more organized, doing some major cleaning and re-organizing the photos in the living room. The ultimate goal is to re-arrange the furniture in such a way that the living room and dining room become to distinct rooms. The past couple of days, though, Darrel has been quite sick, so the furniture arranging will have to wait until he's feeling better. In the meantime, Joanie and I got a good portion of the living room ready to go for the furniture shift.

Some friends of ours have a bedrail that we will be able to borrow for the daybed in Connor's room, so we can begin the transition into the "big boy" bed soon. I hope it goes well. I think he'll be excited about it. But, we'll see.

Today, Connor finished off the weekend by spending the day with his Nana, Papa, Great Granddad and Great Nana. Papa came and picked him up this morning. Before leaving, Connor gave a LOT of love to his Grandma. He was very excited to be heading on his way with Papa, though, too. Joanie and I went to pick him up and have dinner this evening. When we arrived, Connor came running up and gave Grandma a huge hug! He was happy to see me, too, but it was I think a bit unexpected to see his Grandma walk through the door with me. We had a nice dinner. Connor enjoyed spending time with everyone. I dropped the ball and although I had specifically taken the camera so that I could get a photo of Connor with all of his living grandparents, I didn't get the photographic documentation. I think, though, that just seeing him enjoy having them all together with him was awesome. He was so happy. And then, when he was ready to go, he was ready to GO! So, we gathered up our things and headed home. It would seem that it was a perfect end to a perfect weekend for our little guy. He seemed to have a great time the entire weekend. He's still working on those canines. We can see two tips now. Friday night was a little rough. But that's when the second upper tip started poking through. Overall, he's doing well. He's learning new things every day. One of the things he did while we were working in his room the other day was he gave me the ok to set aside a rattle blanket for the new baby. It's identical to one he has. So, I asked him if we could keep it for the new baby and he was agreeable to that. So, he definitely is helping get ready for Baby #2, too.

We are so blessed.

It's cold and rainy here in the Valley. We've had a lot of rain the past few days. I hope it makes at least some sort of small dent in the drought. Hopefully there is plenty of snow falling in the mountains. Earlier this evening, there was a MAJOR downpour. It caused some pretty serious street flooding near my parents' house. Here's the funny thing, though...as it was happening, it sounded to me like a broken sprinkler. It took me a few minutes to realize that it was pouring rain. I felt like such a goofball. Ah well...

Time for an update

I guess time really does fly when you're having fun. I've been enjoying my new daytime adult school class and we've been getting the high school journalism program going. Ultimately, I'll have more time for things...time at home, time taking care of advertisers. We're still settling in to the new schedule and, of course, I've been working on lesson planning and making sure I have things set up for the semester. It's been so wonderful to be happy about getting up and going to work in the mornings. I've been leaving a little on the early side so that I can send out copies, pick up things, drop things off and squeeze in an ad visit here and there. As always, I'm taking things one day at a time.

The journalism program is great. The students have some really good ideas and we expect to see some new features added to the newspaper over time. We have high hopes for what is yet to come.

I haven't had any significant bleeding episodes since last Monday and the doctor's appointment I went to yesterday was one I scheduled WEEKS ago! It was so nice to go to a regular appointment for a change. The baby's heartbeat was good and things seem to be going well all things considered, so that was a plus. Keep those prayers coming because they sure seem to be working.

We have a few looming things that need taking care of, but I know with time and patience we will be ok. Again your continued prayers are welcome and appreciated.

Connor's had a rough few days. He's working on getting his canine teeth and has not been feeling 100%. He had a fever Saturday night then woke up twice during the early morning hours that night. Yesterday was his worst day overall. He just seemed so miserable and there wasn't much we could do. We finally were able to soothe him so he could get to sleep. He seemed better today overall. And, we had one of his favorites for dinner: stuffed shells and bread. So, he was sure to eat some.

I am apparently quite tired and ready for bed, so I think I'll call this update good for now. I will finish off by sharing a couple of good songs for your listening pleasure. =) Enjoy!

How could I have forgotten?

I can't believe I forgot this little update in my post last night. I am pretty sure that I felt some baby movement for the first time last night. It was just once and just a little bit, but I felt a little flutter and it was so cool!

Just another Manic Monday?

It was actually a bit of a roller coaster Monday. The day had its highs and lows. I am hoping that I can focus on the good and just move beyond the less-than-good.

I got up and got the day started right on time. I had a little difficulty picking out my clothes for the day because nothing seemed to be just right, but I eventually got dressed and felt really good about heading into my first day. I headed into Delhi to check in with the adult school principal and clerk so I could have an idea of how many students to expect for my new class. As I drove into Delhi, I focused on God and on all of the things for which I am thankful. I prayed out loud and gave thanks the entire drive. I entered the day feeling pretty good. I got a class roster and gathered up the books I would need then headed to the district office to get my new keys. It was all pretty smooth sailing and for that I was thankful. I stopped to get a cup of coffee and use the restroom. That was interesting. I discovered that I was having a little bleeding again. It wasn't much so I decided to wait and call the doctor's office at break from my class.

I got all set up and ready to go. I had ten students, five of whom added the class just this morning which puts my enrollment above 15 and means that things are looking like they're off to a good start. I experienced some more bleeding and called the doctor's office. They could take me in just before lunch. Whew! The first day of class went well all things considered and I just ended things a little early so I could get to the doctor's on time. The baby's heartbeat was still good and so I just keep doing what I'm doing and resting when I can. My next scheduled appointment is next Tuesday. It would be AWESOME to not have to go in before then.

I had my exit interview for my instructional aide job that I left at the end of last week and I think that went well. Originally I was going to write notes, but I didn't. I think, though, that I touched on the big points that I needed to touch on in that interview. I checked the PO Box (no mail today) and headed home where I was able to rest for a bit. Then we ran some errands as a family which was nice. I always enjoy it when we do little things that need doing, but have fun doing them as a family. When we got home, it was time to get ready for my citizenship class. So, I got ready and headed on my way. I had six students tonight, one absence. I think this class could end up being pretty strong and I am looking forward to a good semester. Things were again going seemingly well. We did the things I had hoped to do and things were again looking positive. We ended pretty much on time and I headed out to the car.

Then, the car wouldn't start. I was pretty sure it was the starter, but not positive. My mother-in-law came and we called AAA. The tow truck driver tried to jump start my car, but that didn't work at all. He, too, suspects it's the starter. So, we had it towed to a local mechanic. We'll work on getting it operational again tomorrow.

After dinner Connor counted all the way to 10! He was repeating numbers that my mother-in-law was saying as he counted the number of things he was putting "away." It was pretty cool..

Oh! One more cool thing for the day....I received my "unofficial" test scores via e-mail today and I passed all three. I should get a hard copy pretty much any day now. Regardless.....I PASSED! YAY!

Have a good week everyone! I know I will be focusing on having a good week.

Updating and Sharing a poem

So, today was my last day as an instructional aide with the dear Special Day Class at Schendel. I have grown so fond of those kids and I will miss them dearly. They presented me with a card, each student came up to me and thanked me for at least one thing I "did" for them and there was cake. My friend and co-worker played a large part in making this all happen and I am tremendously grateful. Then she had us over for dinner tonight. Connor had a great time playing with her son, Darrel enjoyed having some down time and talking with her husband and she and I had fun putting the finishing touches on dinner together. I loved it. It was an amazing evening! I had left work early because if it hadn't been my last day, I probably would have stayed home in bed all day. I am so glad I went in even though I only stayed until lunch. I came home and rested. I watched as Connor, Darrel and Nike played an exciting game of fetch. Then I took a short nap. We headed out together to pick up the newspapers and then delivered them to most of the delivery points in Delhi. The schools will get theirs early next week. And lastly we were off for a great evening with friends. Tomorrow we will visit with my sister-in-law and our niece(/cousin) Katelyn in the morning. We have a business meeting in the afternoon and then the St. George Crab Feed in the evening. I WILL take some time out to rest though. Instead of sharing music tonight, I have an interesting poem that was shared on one of the moms' boards that I've been a part of since I was expecting Connor. It's a sweet one and perfect for moms like me who are expecting #2. Enjoy!

Loving Two
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me.? And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't,? knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. —Author Unknown

Resting again...

Well, I knew I had overdone things yesterday. Today may or may not have been a result of my overdoing it. But, I did experience some more bleeding today. So, I went in to the doctor's office, they did a quick doppler check and we heard the baby's heartbeat, so the little bean seems to be doing ok still. Then they sent me home with orders to go to bed. And that's what I did. It's overwhelming and frustrating and scary. I've taken it very easy today. Tomorrow is my last day as an instructional aide and I will go in for at least part of the day. I will take things easy and I will come home and rest some more.

The newspaper is going to press a day late even though I pushed myself as hard as I did. But we are only running a day behind when we were easily closer to a week behind when the week started. So, the paper will be out sometime tomorrow.

Things are not quite as good as they could be overall, but I am thankful for the blessings in my life and I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. Your prayers for me, my health, the baby, Connor, Darrel and our overall situation are greatly appreciated. We just keep taking things one day at a time and praying for the best. Good things are yet to come this year. We start the journalism program next week. I start my daytime adult school teaching next week. I should start having more built-in rest time. We have a new blessing coming in August. I look forward to the good things still to come.

Casting Crowns has a song that has this as a chorus:
I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my voice
You are who you are, no matter where I am
Every tear I've cried, you hold in your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm...

And Matt Redman has a good one too:
Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me...

...Yes, I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on
and there will be an end to these troubles
but until that day comes
Still I will praise you, Still I will praise you...

Taking a break to update

I really have a few short minutes, if that, to update. This is layout week and has been an exceptionally crazy week at that. So much so that neither Darrel nor I saw much of Connor today. He spent the day at daycare and the evening with his grandma and Godmother. Darrel was hard at work wrapping up ads and getting the layout started. I tried to wrap up some stories and ads today (we don't normally extend the ad deadline like this and I don't think we'll do it again), but I also had to work during the day and go to the evening registration for the adult school tonight. I essentially lost a day because I had jury duty yesterday. And so, here we are, late on Wednesday night wrapping things up as best we can. I will likely do another story or two, then sleep and get up early to put the finishing touches on things which means the layout won't finish until first thing in the morning. I hope it doesn't set us back too much, but we both recognize that my health and the baby's health are most important right now. So, while not an ideal layout week, we are taking things in stride as best we can.

I had the Monday I had hoped to have and made it through with no more major bleeding episodes. I hope and pray I don't get caught off guard again. It just wasn't any fun at all. This morning started with a doctor's appointment during which the doppler was used to listen to the baby's heartbeat. It sounded good and the baby is obviously growing because the PA had to move the doppler higher up than she originally expected to hear the heartbeat. Even she was excited about my appointment today. That was pretty cool.

Two days left of my instructional aide job. I have my exit interview tomorrow. Adult School begins Monday at 9 a.m. I am getting really excited. We had a decent turn out for evening registration, so that was nice.

We'll be visiting my sister-in-law and niece on Saturday. I can't wait for that. We also have the crab feed for St. George Parish School on Saturday night. I think it's going to be a really nice weekend. But alas, we have to get to the weekend first. And so, I bid my dear readers goodnight.