Candle light vigil and more...

We will host a candle light vigil in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on Thursday, October 15 at 7 p.m. My thanks to Perfect Blend in Delhi for helping us host this. It is located at 9761 Stephens Street in Delhi. Please join us. If you can't join us there, please light a candle at 7 p.m. (your time, wherever you are).

I will place a coffee can at Perfect Blend on October 15 to collect donations for First Candle. It will remain there through our fall art show which opens October 24 and runs through November 21.

Time flies

Two months have somehow gotten away from me without so much as a "I'm still around" post. This is going to be the quickest overview I can write. But, I need to write.

Our summer was filled with back and forth trips to Southern California. My grandparents have been a priority for me in recent months and I am starting to work on getting things together for another trip to spend some time with them. Nana has good days and bad. Continued prayers are, of course, appreciated.

Our family suffered a loss at the end of August. My brother's Godfather succumbed to cancer. I don't understand cancer. I don't know if anyone does, so it may sound silly to some for me to say that. But, it's this thought I keep having. It affects people in so many different ways. People beat it and it comes back. Others beat it and it stays gone for good. It's been almost five years since we lost my dear father-in-law to cancer. This week I have heard of two young men who are battling cancer. Young fathers and husbands. Please lift them up in prayer. And their families and all of the families impacted by this awful disease.

We still haven't done anything with Lawrence's ashes. I haven't brought the subject up with Darrel recently. I look at the urn nearly every night. Tonight, my eyes drifted from the urn to a jar also on the shelf. The jar reads, "Hopes and Dreams." hmm...that got me thinking. Some of my hopes and dreams will never come to fruition.

October 15 is Day for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. While I recognize that I am not yet ready for a big Stillbirth Awareness fundraiser, I do want to do something. I am thinking about helping with the altar flowers at church one week in October. But I would also like to to do something to raise even just a few dollars for First Candle. I may tie a simple, silent fundraiser in with the fall art show. I'm still giving it some thought.

My Nana's good days and bad days have mostly to do with her physical well-being. I, of course, have good days and bad days for other reasons. I struggled, but survived the arrival of my due date, which was also my eleventh wedding anniversary on August 8. Darrel helped with that. We went to see GI Joe when it opened August 7 and we saw Huey Lewis and the News play at the Stanislaus County Fair on our anniversary. We spent out anniversary working (taking photos at the fair), but it was time well spent. We enjoyed the time together.

I am now an Avon representative. You can order through me or through my website. Contact me for more information. Adult school got off to a bit of a rocky start. Instead of having three classes, I started the semester with only two classes. Two weeks into the semester, I was down to one class. And, I am now completely laid off as my last class was closed after Thursday night. I am hoping to use my time as constructively as possible. I am going to look for other jobs, invest some time into the business and the after school journalism program at Delhi High School and do what I can to get on track for finishing my credential. I am going to continue corresponding as often as I possibly can with my grandparents. I am going to take my son to the park and storytime at the library near our house. I am going to pray that the spring semester is a little better. And I am going to see where God is leading me. Time may fly, but I'm going to do everything I can to enjoy the ride.

God is at work

I believe God is in control. I agree with the sentiment expressed by Mother Teresa, "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I know God is ALWAYS at work. I know he has a plan. The idea that, "we plan, God laughs" is something I agree with which is partly why Darrel and I avoid using the "p-word" as we have for the past six years. I am not perfect. In fact, I am far from perfect. I am human. I question God. I ask Him why He does the things He does. I wonder, "why me" at times. But in the end...I know...God IS in control.

As some of you may know, I was heading to the Women of Faith conference in San Jose this weekend. As the weekend neared, I was both excited (as I love these conferences and it was a miracle that I was able to attend this year...I would not have gone if I had not won tickets because my mom was not going this year) and nervous (I never know what will trigger a cry and I was afraid something could trigger a major cry and I would not be able to stop). In the week leading up to the event, I was having a difficult time. I later discovered a mathematical error was actually what triggered the emotional difficulty I was having. It had to do with thinking about where I thought I would be in my pregnancy had I not lost LJ at 25 weeks. (Turns out, I had added an extra week.) I even sent an e-mail through the Women of Faith site sharing my thoughts heading into the weekend.

A dear friend of mine was accompanying me to the conference. She, too, is a small business owner who has been experiencing struggles. Financially we are going through some similar things. We often share stories. We share our trials, our triumphs and we talk a LOT about God and how he works in our lives.

Now...I will get to the "meat" of this story. The weekend.

My dad had reserved our hotel room on his credit card. My intent was to write him a check at the end of the month. I had taken a small amount of cash after calculating exactly what I thought I would need for dinner Friday, a book (or two) and lunch on Saturday. We arrived at the hotel to discover that they could not process the hotel room on his card without either him present or something in writing from him. He was not anywhere that he could fax written authorization. I panicked, as I do. The hotel would require a pretty hefty deposit (more than the cost of the room). My friend and I were both extremely limited in what we had in the way of cash. After a meltdown, I was able to think a little more clearly. Brenda said to me, "God will take care of it."

The clock was ticking. We had originally arrived in plenty of time to get checked in, have dinner and arrive at the conference. Now all of a sudden, we probably didn't have time for dinner and we still didn't have a room. The lady at the front desk called another nearby hotel. Maybe they'll take the card, we all thought. No such luck. HOWEVER...the room cost less and there was no hefty deposit required, just the cost of the room. We found the hotel and got checked in using our cash which left us both with significantly less than we had budgeted for the weekend and we still hadn't spent any money on the things for which we had budgeted. Also, we were out of time. We either had to have dinner and skip the evening session or attend the evening session and have a late dinner. We opted for the latter.

We arrived at the HP Pavilion and pulled into a parking lot. Parking cost $15. I knew we would have to pay for parking. I did NOT expect it to cost that much. My heart almost stopped. I thought about telling Brenda to forget it and just go back in the morning, but something...someone...God...didn't allow me to say it. As we parked, she said, "you know, we could just come back tomorrow." I pointed out that we had already paid and that I felt we needed to go to the evening session. We parked and off we went.

It was an AMAZING night. Anita Renfro was funny. She shared some of her usual things and she talked about her one-week-old grandbaby. Her first. Patsy Clairemont made us laugh a little and she shared some heart-warming and heart-breaking stories. And then, the kicker came. Awhile back, I shared Natalie Grant's song "Held" here. I talked about how it has taken on new meaning for me and how much it means to me. (Go ahead and listen to it again.) Natalie Grant was scheduled to sing. During her time at the evening session, she was talking a little bit as she started to introduce "Held." She referenced an e-mail she received after getting off the plane that day from "A woman at this conference who recently gave birth to a stillborn baby."

I gasped. I put my hands over my mouth. I held in a huge urge to sob and just let out a few tears as I fought to catch my breath. Friday night, "Held" wasn't just a song that was taking on new meaning for me. It was ministering to me. Sitting on the floor, right by where the speakers and guests would come and go, I knew I had to thank her. As she exited, I stopped her and I said, "I'm the mom." We hugged and she talked to me briefly. If any one thing had gone differently leading up to the conference, there's no telling whether or not I would have been there or experienced that in the same way.

God IS in control.

The next day, we stopped at a local Save Mart to get some snacks and things for the day. Brenda worked her evangelistic mojo which was uplifting to witness. As we neared the arena, we talked about the craziness of charging $15 for parking. At the same time, we kept our eyes open for other options. And then, it was there...a parking lot that charged only $3 to park ALL day...directly across the street from some of the $15 parking. You all know which we chose.

We headed on our short walk to the arena and Brenda realized she wasn't going to do so well in the shoes she was wearing, so she asked me to wait for her while she went back to change shoes. A few minutes later, she came back saying, "God is so good." I asked, "what happened now?" (I realized something unexpected had happened.) As it turned out, she had left her car window down. Had she not gone back, there's a pretty good chance things would not have been as we left them.

God IS in control.

I was strengthened and encouraged by Sheila Walsh's thoughts that day. I was uplifted and amused by Luci Swindoll's thoughts that day. I was able to pick up a couple of books AND I even got two of them autographed. Sheila Walsh asked if I had received her note (an e-mail sent the day before which I had received) and she offered me prayers and encouragement. It was an amazing day.

I know I am leaving something out. There was so much and at every turn Brenda and I were thanking and praising God.

He truly is in control.

And yet...the weekend did not stop there.

I was not going to go to church this morning. I thought we would stay home and have a lazy morning and maybe go to a local afternoon service. When I heard Connor stirring around 8:30, the first thought in my mind was, "we can go to church." I drifted in and out of sleep as I listened to Connor quietly playing in bed. But the thought, "we can go to church" came in loud and clear during those 15 minutes or so. And so, i got up and started getting Connor ready. As if I wasn't already convinced, the sound of him cheering, "CHURCH!" is enough to make anyone want to go.

We had plenty of time. Then we were cutting things a little close and as we were on our way, I realized that we were going to be late, no doubt. I started questioning whether or not we should continue with the drive, but convinced myself we would go no matter what. I had intended to pay our pledge this morning since we didn't go to church last week and I like to do that at the beginning of the month.

We had a guest today who is involved with Food For the Poor, Inc. and I enjoyed listening to him. I thought about supporting the ministry. I set the information down. I looked again and then put it down. Then, as I was writing my regular check to the church, I realized that it was weighing heavily on my heart to do something. So, I did. With $21...I am helping to feed over 400 kids. They may feel blessed, but I am the one who is blessed by this opportunity. I didn't really take any time to seriously look at the World Vision files at Women of Faith. I knew that monthly support is not something I am ready to offer and mom and I started supporting a World Vision child at last year's event. It wasn't something I felt I was supposed to do. This morning, I felt that tug on my heart. I knew I was supposed to do it and I knew God was in control of the decision.

God is most definitely in control.

I don't know what He is doing or what His plan is, but I know that He has a plan and He is doing something in my life. I saw Him at work all weekend long. It was an awesome journey. I can only hope and pray that my words here do it some kind of justice.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

***

As an aside. My mom and I took Connor down for a visit with my grandparents in mid-June. The last weekend of June, Darrel and I made a quick trip down to photograph our dear friends of B.O.O.K. at their Magic Mountain performance. We have been to Jamestown, Columbia, McConnell and Ft. Tejon. We have visited Ghirardelli and BassPro Shops. We have had a pretty cool summer. It has been tiring, emotional, uplifting, fun and unforgettable. We are getting ready for a slightly longer trip to Southern California to pick up a vehicle. We will visit with family and friends. We hope to get to the beach and the LA Zoo and we are looking forward to some time in Uptown Whittier. This is my kind of summer. the only thing left is the fishing trip that we still NEED to do. Your continued prayers are appreciated.

A poem I read

First of all, I have to share that Connor had a spectacular birthday party. We had just family and a few friends and it was perfect. We tried to go with a fairly simple party...we had bubbles for the kids and whoever wanted to swim could. We also did a pinata. Darrel grilled hamburgers and hot dogs. Connor had a blast! He got some great stuff including bedding for the twin bed in his room (to which he will soon be transitioning), a few toys and some clothes. I can hardly believe he's two. It was great to have his birthday to keep me occupied the past few days. Tonight, though, I started thinking about Lawrence and feeling a little emotional again. I think it's time to go fishing. I need to talk to Darrel to see when we can go. I've been putting a lot of work into Connor's room. He's been having fun helping me. His easel is all set up and he had a great time using his chalkboard today. We also had some fun taking photos together this afternoon. He's such a big boy!

I read a poem that someone posted on an obituary guest book for twin three-year-old boys who died in a car accident last week. It was beautiful and I thought it was worth sharing, so here it is...

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)
©Copyright 1998-2009

A good day, Happy Birthday CD!

Today, the Amazing Connor Duncan turned two. The status on my Facebook page today included something like this, "...woke up today as the mama of a two-year-old." I can hardly believe it has been two years since Connor was born.

It was Memorial Day 2007. The Saturday before, we celebrated my nephew's birthday with him at his party. A couple of people commented to me about how "ready" I looked. More people guessed whether the baby was a boy or a girl. (All guessed boy.) That evening, I covered a graduation ceremony. It was a bit tiring, but it is my favorite graduation to cover and I enjoyed doing it. On Sunday morning, I went to church. Someone commented that she didn't think I would make it to my due date. I assured her I would... or as close to it as I possibly could. We spent the afternoon and evening with my parents. Darrel and I took my mom to KMart for a few things. I remember picking out a tomato plant or something among a couple of other things in the gardening section. Mom and I had walked every Sunday that we possibly could while I was pregnant. We counted KMart as our walk that Sunday. A week earlier, the doctor told me he didn't think I would make it to my due date. I told him I would, I had to because school let out June 15 and I needed to make it to the end of school. He explained, "you don't understand...you have a big baby, I don't think you WANT to go all the way to your due date." I conceded that the baby could come a little early, but I still wanted to make it to the end of school. I joked with co-workers about having the baby trained to change his (or her) own diapers right away.

That Memorial Day was certainly one to remember. I woke up around 6:30 a.m. and thought that perhaps something was going on, but I wasn't sure what. I posed a messaged on the moms board where we were going through our pregnancies together and then decided to go back to bed. Sometime around 8 a.m. I woke up again and had a pretty good idea that perhaps my water had broken. I didn't check the message board. I woke up Darrel and suggested we go to the hospital. Off we went. By 8:30, I was in L&D and they confirmed that my water had broken. Contractions were starting, but they were pretty irregular. Darrel made some phone calls. His mom and sister came down. My parents came a bit later. It was so nice to be surrounded by so much love. We chatted and enjoyed the time together. Contractions got closer together and a bit more painful, but I made it through unmedicated. I wanted an unmedicated birth and was happy to be going along so well. Connor was "sunnyside-up" as they say. We tried everything we could to get him to roll over. After two hours of pushing, I spiked a fever and his heartrate went way up. They told me I needed a C-section. I didn't want one. For a moment, I was devastated by the thought. Then I remembered what my doctor had said to me two weeks before...I know you don't want a C-section, but if you need to have one for the health of the baby, I know you will do it. And there we were. It was necessary. They wheeled me in and prepped me. I begged them to do something to make the contractions stop. I kept asking for Darrel. Finally he came into the room. I was relieved. Joy filled Darrel's face as he saw our new baby. "It's a boy," he exclaimed. Connor Duncan remained without a name for the next two hours or so. He was born with my fever and they took him to the NICU to stabilize him. Darrel came in and talked to me. We discussed his name and agreed that he looked like a Connor. Though, I still hadn't held my little guy. They finally brought him in to me. My heart was overjoyed. I was officially a mama.

Flash-forward two years...we have been through so much in the past two years. I look at his newborn photo that my dad took of him in the NICU, the photo from when he turned one and the photo we just had taken of him for his two-year photo and my baby, my precious little baby (who wasn't all that little weighing in at close to nine pounds over three weeks before his due date) is a little boy now, BUT...he still looks the same. I can see him in ever single picture we have ever taken of him.

Today was a good day. I got up before everyone else and did a couple of things in the yard. I needed to do them and I needed some of the quiet serenity to get a few things out of my system. At one point, I cried. It is so hard to still be in the relatively early stages of grieving for Lawrence while preparing to celebrate with Connor. I prayed a little, too. And, I looked forward to wishing Connor a happy birthday. Darrel came out and checked on me a short time later. The rest of the house was up and moving. We headed to Delhi where we picked up beverages from our favorite coffee house on our way to Darrel's mom's house. Connor got a special smoothie (strawberry-banana, for the first time) as a birthday gift from the owner. We helped my mother-in-law with a few things and despite my being a little stressed about the time, we managed to complete our intended afternoon. We picked up the newspapers and then headed to the Ghiradelli Ic Cream Shop nearby where Connor got to pick out a special birthday gift and we enjoyed ice cream together. Connor napped on the way back home. We picked up some dinner and enjoyed a quiet night at home. Connor got to pop open his gift that he'd chosen and share a piece of chocolate for his final birthday treat. He'd chosen a metal lunchbox that has images of all of the state flags on it filled with a variety of the yummy chocolate squares. He had some milk and was down for the night before 10 p.m. Since most days he goes to bed around 9:30, he hadn't stayed up too much later on this special day. He seemed to have a great time. He finished off his day with a phone call to his nana and some snuggle time first with mama then with daddy.

He had his daycare birthday celebration yesterday and he has his birthday part on Saturday. Oh boy! This kid has it good. And so do we. We are so blessed to have the Amazing Connor Duncan in our lives. Happy birthday to my sweet boy!

I'll update after his party Saturday.

As an aside...on Tuesday, we received a call that the necklace I had ordered came in and so I went an picked it up from the mortuary. It is beautiful. It has Lawrence's footprint on the front and his name and angel day on the back. I put it on as soon as I got in the car and I haven't removed it.

Bringing home LJ

I'm in the middle of writing my column for this month's issue. Of course, I have been since sometime Thursday. I've managed to procrastinate far too much. Most of my computer time today has been spent checking out message boards, blogs and doing mindless quizzes on Facebook. All of this is a bit funny, of course, because I left off writing about the social networking sites in my column. I'll get back to it here in a few minutes, I think, but I needed to blog first.

We had a list of errands to run yesterday afternoon. We just had a couple of things we wanted to get done. So, we did. But, we had one very important errand added to our list. I spoke with the mortuary Friday morning and the death certificate was ready for us and cremation complete. It was time for us to go back.

Now, before I go on about that, I need to note something. Lawrence Joseph is already home. He went home to be with God nearly a month ago. This is something I believe, something I know. But, this was the earthly version of him coming home. Instead of bringing home a new baby to feed, diaper, love and care for, we were tasked with bringing home his remains. I thought I was ready for this. It had dragged out long enough. I was ready for this to be done...and so I thought. A week earlier, I had a telephone conversation with the mortuary during which they told me the cremation would likely be done Monday (or Tuesday, at the latest). Monday night, I shared with Darrel the thought I had when the woman told me that. "Can't I hold him one more time?" I didn't say it out loud. Truly, I don't think I wanted to. In fact, I know that since three weeks had passed, I did not want to see him again. But, for a moment, I thought about it.

When we arrived at the mortuary, it took all that I had in me to get out of the truck. I grabbed Darrel's hand as we walked up to the door. We entered. We sat down to wait. I thought I was ok. A woman brought out some papers that needed to be signed. Darrel took care of that. She handed us a copy of the death certificate in an envelope. Darrel was (I think) trying to close the clasp, but I took it from him, opened it, reviewed the death certificate, my heart sank just a little and then I returned it to the envelope and closed the clasp. The woman had two papers that Darrel signed and put them into a regular letter envelope. She also held a small plastic bag with handles. And she said, "I'll take you to where he is." (or something like that)

We walked down the hall and she entered a room. We followed. I was not prepared for what was waiting for us. LJ's urn sat on a strategically lit table, raised up a bit. I stopped dead in my tracks. "This is it....this is how my baby comes home...this is the end of the road...this is not my life..." all sorts of thoughts flooded through my mind. I started to cry and sucked it up all at once, Darrel squeezed my hand. At the same moment, I was overwhelmed by the beauty. The picture we had seen of this urn was beautiful, but it did not do justice to it at all. It's shiny (silver) and it had appeared with more of a stone look to it. It caught the light and almost glowed (for lack of a better word). It was breathtaking. I think that's partly what made this more difficult and yet more comforting all at once.

The woman asked if we'd like some time alone in the room. (Another flood of thoughts raced through my mind as I glanced at Darrel during her brief pause.) "Whatever you want to do," she said.

My thoughts at that moment: Whatever I want? I don't want this. I don't want any of this. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this situation. I don't want to take my baby home this way.

The words I actually spoke: "I don't want...(pause)...anything..." Nothing more made it's way out of my mouth. She walked up to put the urn into the bag she was holding. She handed it to us.

As we left, I dealt with new thoughts: This is it? This is how we take him home? I'm carrying him to the truck like a souvenir...in a bag. But he was my son. He's my baby. He's not some souvenir. Why a bag? What is happening here?

When we got home, I couldn't bring myself to just set the bag down someplace. I had to put the urn someplace nice. (Normally, I would have dropped the things from my hands and gone straight to the bathroom after errand running.) I placed it next to the family portrait we had done last year. The image on the urn is called "Going home."

Lawrence Joseph is now home in two places. He is home with God and he is home with us. He is finally home.

You got that right

This song is one I can relate to and I have loved it since I first heard it. Of course, I'm a little older than 20, but I think it still fits. Thank you, Francesca Battistelli for writing and singing this song. And now, I share it...First the lyrics, then you can have a listen...

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me